“In The Crucible” This song is based on Psalm 22. Most of us are as familiar with this psalm as we are with Psalm 23 (The Lord is my Shepherd) that follows it. Psalm 22, in Catholic liturgies, is the Responsorial Psalm in the Good Friday liturgy. It begins: “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from helping me, from the words of my groaning? O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer; and by night, but find no rest. (Psalm 22:1-2, NRSV)
In the Passion accounts of Mark and Matthew, Jesus’ last words are “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me.”
When we are in the Crucible, we experience great suffering in our lives. It appears that God has abandoned us. Consumed by our suffering we look for a respite from the suffering, yet respite is denied us. Instead of being lifted from the suffering, we sink deeper into the suffering. Great suffering brings on disorientation. We lose all sense of time, so consumed we are by what we are experiencing. We lose our objectivity, and are unable to look at the bigger picture, so focused are we on our suffering. All we seek is to end the suffering, to make it stop. And so, we can find ourselves making all sorts of bargains with God. We promise anything and everything, the possible and impossible to try to persuade or try to coerce God to act in our favor. But it is all to no avail.
We may think that there is something that we have done that has been the cause of our suffering. It is like the case of the man born blind in John’s Gospel. It was assumed theologically, that this man was born blind because of some sin that his ancestors committed. Their past sins heaped the curse of blindness upon this man when he was a fetus in his mother’s womb. Jesus in curing the man of his blindness proves that this theology was nonsense, and in curing the blind man revealed the blindness of those who taught such nonsense.
No, our suffering is largely not a punishment for a past sin. Many good and faithful people undergo great suffering, while many people who do horrific and abominable actions seemingly have little suffering in their lives. Suffering, like so many other events in our lives, is encased in mystery. We don’t know why it is we are suffering, all we know is that we are in the midst of agonizing suffering.
When I was told that my artificial hip had to be taken out because of the MRSA infection, I reached an emotional low I had never before experienced. I had been told that by my primary physician that I was very allergic to the normal antibiotic that kills MRSA, prior to going to the hospital to have my hip removed. The infectious disease doctor explained to me that I would be receiving that antibiotic in great quantities prior to having the surgery the next day. I objected stating that I was allergic to the antibiotic. The infectious disease doctor told me that my primary doctor was a hayseed who didn’t know a damn thing, and ordered the antibiotic.
The minute that the antibiotic was given me, it felt like a thousand needles were penetrating my flesh. I immediately began to oscillate between extreme chills and overpowering heat. I grew disorientated and lost all sense of time. I sank into a living, twisted nightmare. At midnight when the nurse was going to give me another dose, I refused it stating that I was suffering because of it. I finally sank into a troubling sleep, and was awakened at 5 in the morning to be prepared for the surgery. The nurses grew alarmed because my blood pressure was 60/40 and I was in renal failure (something that happens as a result to Vankamycin). I was rushed into ICU where I was hooked up to all sorts of tubes as the team sought to get my kidneys functioning. Needless to say, had I had the surgery that day, I would have died on the surgical table. My surgeon promptly fired the infectious disease doctor and began to consult someone more trustworthy.
While that experience was horrific, it was just the beginning of the suffering that was awaiting me. On my birthday, my left artificial hip was removed. I would be without a left hip for another 5 ½ months, as the infection would come back, and I would have more surgery to clear the infection. Finally, the infectious disease doctor found a combination of antibiotics that would kill the infection but not kill me. I went from August through the middle of January without a hip. There was more than one time I would utter the words found in this psalm, and repeated by Jesus as he died on the cross.
In our crucible, in whatever form it may come to us, we need to remember that the road to the resurrection always lies through great suffering. As grim as Psalm 22 is through the majority of its narrative, it is important to read the psalm to its end, in which the one who is suffering becomes victorious. “I will tell of your name to my brothers and sisters; in the midst of the congregation I will praise you: ²³ You who fear the Lord, praise him! All you off spring of Jacob, glorify him; stand in awe of him, all you off spring of Israel! ²⁴ For he did not despise or abhor the affliction of the afflicted; he did not hide his face from me,b but heard when Ic cried to him. ²⁵ From you comes my praise in the great congregation; my vows I will pay before those who fear him. ²⁶ The poor shall eat and be satisfied; those who seek him shall praise the Lord. May your hearts live forever! (Psalm 22:22-26, NRSV)
Rabbi Harrold Kushner observes in his book “The Lord Is My Shepherd: Healing Wisdom Of The Twenty-third Psalm”, God never promises that there will be no suffering in our lives. What God promises is that when we “walk through the Valley of Death”, God walks with us guiding us and supporting us.
When we are in the midst of our crucible and all seems lost, we can be assured that we are not alone in our suffering, for God is holding our hand and sustaining us in the midst of our suffering. We do not have to feel guilty about asking the question, “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?” We are not alone in the asking of this question. In the midst of his own suffering, Jesus also cried out that same question. He was not punished in asking it. Rather, he was raised from the dead, and, so, we shall also be resurrected.
As you listen to this prayer-song, “In The Crucible”, meditate on the times of great suffering in your life. Where was God for you in the midst of your suffering? In what way or through whom did God reach out to sustain you in your suffering?
